Faith in action - Quotes from Unstoppable

It has been some time since I post a journal entry.  I had been reading Unstoppable by Nick Vujicic.  What he says is inspiring, and some parts make more sense to me now than if I had read it many years earlier.

Here are some quotes which I copied from the book.  On 23 September, the words seemed to leap out from the page because that line of thought was what occupied me for some time now.  What is my purpose and meaning in life?

“When I could not find the meaning and purpose in my life, I surrendered the need to do that, and God stepped in and He gave my life meaning when non one and nothing else could provide it….

… My victory comes in surrender.  It comes when every day when I acknowledge that I can’t do this on my own.  So I say to God “I give it to you” and when I yielded, God took my pain and turned it into something good, which brought me real joy.

..Faith in action means looking outside of yourself to the souls around you who need to know that there is hope.  It means trusting Christ to fulfil your needs and then getting up and helping to fulfil the needs of others.

There is nothing quite as soothing as accepting that you don’t have to work it all out because God will.  You can surrender yourself to this end and wait patiently.  Through Him, everything is possible.  If my life is spared, Christ has a purpose for it.”

 

I sat there typing in the comfort and privacy of a single room in an air-conditioned ward in hospital.  My father, who isn’t well, is sleeping.  I am thankful that he has survived this far. Precious last lap of time to allow me to look after him.  Too many years had been spent doing my own things and looking after my career.  I didn’t have time to hold his hand and look at his face in detail as he sleeps, grasping my hand.  Is this my purpose? Yes.

 

From the book, on page 110 – “Researchers found that many, who have successfully dealt with physical adversity, actually grow in positive ways.

·       They realise that they are stronger than they thought and they tend to recover more quickly from future challenges.  

·       They discover who truly cares about them and those relationships grow stronger.

·       They put greater value on each day and on the good things in their lives.

·       They become stronger spiritually.

And the following paragraph really took the cake

“Whatever circumstances you face, GOD will use it for HIS purpose.  It may be years before you understand what that purpose might be.  IN some cases, you may not know the full extent of HIS plan or why HE allows some things to happen to you.  That is why it is necessary to put your faith in action knowing that GOD is with you.  Even though bad things may happen, they do not change the fact that HE loves you.”

I cried.    

In times of fear

Here are some more words of encouragement from Unstoppable.

You and I cannot see what GOD has in store for us.  That is why you should never believe that your worst fears are your fate or that when you are down, you will never rise up again.  You MUST have faith in yourself, in your purpose and in GOD’s plan for your life.  Then you must put the fears and insecurities aside and trust that you will find your way. You may not have a clue of what lies ahead but it’s better to act on life than simply let life acts on you.

When you put your faith and beliefs into action, you will discover the life for which you were created.

When you find yourself super stressed, highly emotional and unable to function because of something that has occurred, it is important to separate what has happened to you from what is going on inside you.

We all bear emotional scars from past experiences.  Sometimes, those scars are not fully healed. So when you hit hard times, the old wounds reopen.  The deep pain you feel may be aggravated by past hurts and reawakened insecurities.  If you sense that you may be overreacting to a bad situation, or if you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope, you should ask yourself “Why is this hitting me so hard?”

Am I reacting this way because of what is actually occurring or am I reacting so strongly because of what has occurred in the past?

One of the lessons I learned is that you have to keep things in perspective even when you are in the middle of a personal crisis.  FEAR BREEDS FEAR and WORRY BUILDS UPON WORRY.  You can’t stop the feelings of grief, guilt and anger and fear that wash over you during difficult times but you must recognise them as pure emotional responses and then manage them so that they don’t dictate your actions.

Maintaining perspective requires maturity and maturity comes with experience.  I had never been through a situation like this and because I was physically drained… I had a difficult time handling this crisis in a mature manner.

PASSION

A life of passion and purpose. 

This is how I want to live.  The big question that faces me every day – Am I living that life of passion and purpose.  If yes, good. If no, why not?  And how do I go about to fill the missing gaps?

From “Unstoppable”, Nick Viujcic says that “you will know that you have found a passion when your talents, knowledge, energy, focus and commitment all come together in a way like a child with a favourite game or toy.  Your work and pleasure become one and the same.  You feel that the opportunities are endless.  What you do becomes part of who you are, and the rewards that come to you are far less satisfying than those that come to others because of you. 

Your passion leads to your purpose, and both are activated when you put your faith in your gifts and share them with the world.  You are custom-made for your purpose, just as I am for mine.  Every part of you – from your mental, physical and spiritual strengths to your unique package of talents and experiences – is designed to fulfil your gift.

You put your faith in action by following your passion, defining your purpose and building your life around developing and using your gifts to their fullest.  What drives you?  What makes you excited about each day?  What would you do for free just to be doing it?  What would you never want to retire from doing?  Is there something that you would give up everything else for – all your material possessions and comforts – just to do because you feel so good doing it? What do you fee; a sense of urgency of accomplishing?

Scripture tells us in John 9:4, “As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me.  Night is coming, when no one else can work.”

 

Amazing photograph

One of my friends likes uploading amazing photographs.

Here's one of them.

Looking out for another

This week, I managed to catch an OKTO Channel documentary - Penguins, Spy in a Huddle.  It is very good.  Highly recommended and a very good resource to use clip for teaching values in action.

The value of looking out for another.   

There were two scenes - a duck, and a penguin of another species went beyond their comfort zones to fend off marauding predators from the brood of the penguin chicks as they made their way awkwardly to the sea.   

Learned optimism

 

In the book “How children succeed” by Peter Tough, he mentioned a researcher by the name of Martin Seligman.  Seligman is one of the main scholars behind the school of thought known as positive psychology, and the book originally published in 1991, is the movement’s founding text, teaching that optimism is a learnable skill, not an inborn trait.

Pessimistic adults and children can train to be more helpful.  Seligman says, and if they do, they will likely become happier, healthier and successful.

In learned optimism, Seligman wrote that most people, depression was not an illness, but simply a “severe low mood” that occurred “when we harbour pessimistic beliefs about the causes of our setbacks.”  If you want to avoid depression and improve your life, Seligman counselled, you need to refashion your explanatory style” to create a better story about why good and bad things happen to you.

Pessimists, Seligman wrote, tend to react to negative events by explaining them as permanent, personal and pervasive. E.g. of the 3Ps – Failed a test? It’s not because you didn’t prepare well; it’s because you are stupid.  If you are turned down for a date, there’s no point in asking someone else, because you are simply unlovable.    

Optimists, by contrast, look for specific, limited, short term explanations for bad events and as a result, in the face of a setback, they are more likely to pick themselves up and try again.

How can we help our children succeed?

I am enjoying this book now.  By Peter Tough – “How children succeed with grit, curiosity and the hidden power of character”.  In his book, Mr Tough related studies that support the teaching of character education to help pupils succeed in schools.  These ideas resonated on how best to educate our children for their future.

In the past 20 years, I have seen many pupils succeed and some pupils fail.  Though… “Fail” is a taboo word in recent years… substitute term … “Did not do so well”.  Some of the successful pupils were those who took pains with their studies, persevered in the hard times in their lives; had brave hearts and despite their own problems, had the compassion and willingness to help others.  I have also  successful pupils who had much resources at their beck and call.  They had breezed their way through their examinations with much pampering in their lives, got away with minimum work done in school and were ill-behaved and selfish.  I am glad that these pupils graduated and got out of my school.

There is a lot of anxiety among parents nowadays.  All of them want their children to do well in school.  However, parents with healthy children at least - most of them had only a narrow definition of success in the school – their children must obtain the highest academic score and ratings in their subjects at school.  This is probably a hangover of expectation from my generation and society. 

In my generation, the term “excellence” is defined in terms of number and type of awards. Most rewards given are based on academic merit.  Parents with children of learning disabilities and / or special needs also yearn for the best in their children though they know that their children would never be able to “beat” the present system. 

For example, my student told me that in a recent art competition, candidates in her level were chosen based on their grades - the number of As for their art work. Most of the candidates were from another high ability class, and my student who comes from the low ability class did not stand a chance of being selected.  Such is an example of an unfair yardstick in one school.

In the Straits Times of 15 June 2013, there is an article “Engaged pupils = successful workers” by Fron Jackson-Webb.  The article says that “the children’s interest and engagement in school influence their prospects of educational and occupational success 20 years later, over and above their academic and socioeconomic background.  The more children felt connected to their school community and felt engaged, rather than bored, the greater their likelihood of achieving higher educational qualification and going on to a professional or management career say the researchers at Menzies Research Institute in Tasmania, Australia”. 

Immediately to our parents’ minds would be the notion of doing well in academic studies.   No, the researchers are saying something else.  “The study reinforced the importance of school curricula to promote active, rather than passive learning styles that engage both the mind and body, and involve humour, music and movement.  It is important to recognise that the patterns of engagement begin very early, much earlier than formal schooling,  The notion that a school should be about sports, music, drama – not only numeracy and literacy, is important.  The students enjoy it, they like being there… the link between educational and occupational outcomes also extended to better health outcomes and well-being later in life.”     

So what research says reinforces what we know all along.  Doing well in early school affects one’s adult life.  It is just that, what does “doing well” refer to?

Finally I know what I went through :)

 

Finally, Dr Noel Chia Kok Hwee helped me to be clearer about my depression and my learning process. 

In a letter to Forum Page of 7 June 2013, Dr Chia wrote :

“Caring for a special needs child is a 24/7 job “Mother seen with son before he fell” Monday.  It is stressful for many parents, and even more so, for a single parent, who has to jiggle working to earn enough to support the family and providing care and love for the special-needs child.  This could lead to burnout, commonly known as caregiver stress syndrome.

Signs and symptoms include frequent fatigue, sleep problems, anxiety, depression, headaches, memory loss, hypertension, decreased immunity and a feeling of frustration.

From happiness to helplessness to hopelessness, life can become meaningless or filled with a sense of incoherence that in turn, can become so overwhelming that it can drive the single parent to suffer depression and to harbour suicidal thoughts.

The pain and guilt accompanying such a sense of incoherence can make one stronger or weaker.

Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Emil Frankl termed this strength “tragic optimism”.  This is optimism in the face of tragedy, with the potential to turn painful suffering into an opportunity to better oneself. 

The opposite of tragic optimism is “tragic pessimism”. 

An excellent support system is needed to transform such a senseless, incoherent life into one of coherence, which, according to American medical sociologist Aaron Antonovsky, gives meaning to the life challenges faced by single parents with special-needs children.

Perhaps family service centres and special schools can offer such support services or raise awareness about them, if they are already available, to those who need them most.

 

Letting Go

A friend whom I have known since junior college days. came to visit my father with his wife and two sons.  It was a good time renewing old ties and updating each other with the new ones in our lives.

My friend’s wife, bless her sensitive soul, asked me privately how I was in these three years.   I looked at her with tears in my eyes and shook my head.  Her quiet question was “You can’t let him go, is it?”

 

Yes, I can’t let go easily. 

I cling on to things and people far too tightly.

Another friend has repeatedly advised me to relax my grip.  He is exasperated.  “Pray.  Why won’t you just let go?”

Let go of what I have all these 49 years – let my parent go on his way and leave me alone?  No way.  Such long-term attachment doesn’t disappear in a flash. 

Come on, give me a break.  I mourned for my late grandmother for almost ten years.  It is only recently this year that I did not cry at her death anniversary. 

Suffer another decade of sadness?

It is unfair.  I am afraid of being left behind.

But I am reasonable,  I will let my father go because my father needs to be able to walk again.  I believe my father will be whole again when he joins our God in Heaven.  For the sake of a better life in eternity, Papa, please go and be wholesome again.

 

New nature to come

When I was a young believer, I came across an analogy on religious conversion in a book about Christian beliefs.  That analogy makes sense to me.  In the book, the change in beliefs is likened to the dying of an acorn seed and how the old seed must “let go” of its former state before it grows to a new creature.  I have only seen acorns in picture books. 

But I have germinated green beans locally.  Indeed the old seed leaf lies shrivelled and later drops off as the new parts of the plant continue to develop.

 

Saddest thing in life

A line in one orbituary (the Straits Times of 25 May 2013) caught my eye.

The quote was :

“…the saddest thing in life is not failing itself, but the failure to try.  We have only one life to live, and if we don’t try it in this lifetime, then when?”

I do not interpret the quote as an excuse to try all things.  Some things are foolish and are to be avoided. I think the departed family member had probably lived his life with great passion, and courageously pursued his dreams and he was remembered for brightening lives with his unfailing love, humour and optimism.  Isn’t such an eulogy gratifying?  How many of us will be remembered for our legacy?

 

The visit of my friend and his family drew to a close.  They asked me what I needed. 

Thank you.  I have had all I needed.  God has provided.

And I will learn to let go and grow anew too.

We Reap What We Sow

We reap what we sow

At my workplace, there is a framework for projects and initiatives.  The framework is RADAR, which stands for “Rationale – Approach – Deployment – Action - Review”.

Having been trained in RADAR, I used the framework to help me organise my care of my father.  I turned one of the bedrooms in the house into a mini-ward and the rest of the facilities at home to support it.  This personal project did not depress me.  In fact it brought up the abilities and skills I have picked up through the years.

Someone at my workplace suggested - Just send your father to the nursing home.  Why bring yourself through so much trouble?  I was not angry with my colleague because he meant well.  Caring for a patient at the hospital saps energy; having one at home 24/7 is burdensome. 

In March 2013, the Straits Times reported an interview with a head of a palliative hospital. The good doctor said that there was an indicator which predicted the amount of homecare.  Whether the family was willing to look after their parents in the latter’s autumn years was based on the saying “we reap what we sow”.  When the parents / parent had previously established good relations with the children, the more likely the children were willing to take up responsibility.  He knew of families who had many sons and daughters but they were unwilling to look after the patient.  On the other hand, there were families he knew of, whose children gave up all to look after their parents.

My father is the only father I have.  It is my duty to look after him till the end.

 

Rationale

I have a purpose.  My purpose statement is “The best nursing care at home for Father till his last day”

Unpacking of terms in the purpose statement: 

·       I defined the term “best” as the best level of care that the family can afford such that my father is able to live for as long as he can, comfortably at home. The term “nursing care” comes from the availability of care givers, facilities and resources, including medical supplies and medical advice. 

·       My performance indicator – the deliverables in the physical setup for nursing care; the expertise and the performance of the caregivers.

·       The key performance indicator – how long will my father live with good management of his chronic medical conditions.

As I reflect on the arduous journey, I met many angels.  Most of them are nurses and doctors.  A few are fellow colleagues at my workplace.  They paved the way more smooth, and made things possible for me to bring father from the rehabilitative community hospital back home. 

All in all, my father was at the following places:

2 months from November 2010 to December 2011 at the Changi General Hospital for heart tests and recuperation,

2 months at the Singapore General Hospital for the heart by-pass surgery from January to February 2011,

4 days at the St Andrews Community Hospital before suffering a stroke in early February 2011,

3 months at the Singapore General Hospital – Intensive Care Unit and step down care from early February to April 2011,

4 months at the Ang Mo Kio Thye Kwan Moral Hospital from May to July 2011 before going

Home from July 2011 till now, in 2013.

Although my father is stationed at home, he has a number of hospital admissions ranging from 4 days (skin infection) to 14 days (fluid overload and lung infection).  I became familiar faces to private ambulance medics and ward nurses.

 

Approach

I tried to be focused in my handling of the matters concerning my father’s care.  The period of time (about 11 months) when my father was at the hospital, I spent a lot of time thinking through the things to do and the order of things to be done.  Time was a necessity when only one individual is there to handle the matters. It was a long task preparing for Father’s return but it was achievable with the help if luck and resourcefulness.  Yes, with a lot more resourcefulness.    

One guideline is: No crying until the required task / work is done.  If there are people who are not willing to help me out, I would rather leave them out as I felt that there is no need for time and energy wasted on persuasion.  If one does not have the heart initiative for the task, there is no need for further persuasion.  In other words, I was seeking for a common vision among the stakeholders.  My fierce independent and stubborn “lembu” (workhorse) spirit prop me up.

The next guideline is: Be ultra-organised.  No detail is too small is to be left out.  Check and double-check until I am very sure of it myself.  I was trained in keeping records and setting up a registry.  I took a personal interest in knowing how the machine works or how the room arrangement will look like. I also had to anticipate problems would come up.  When it came to machines – it was maintenance and how to use it.  When it came to teaching my foreign domestic workers, I chose to set a personal hands-on example.

The third guideline is: Be honest in my relationships to others. Lip service is cheap; prove what is said with action.  Appreciate others who helped me.

The fourth guideline I followed and this is the most important to me: Pray to God for His Grace and Strength.

Changes

Changes

There would be a lot of changes to our lives at home. Mine and my mother’s. 

When my father was well, he is an independent person who does not like to be at home except morning when he read newspapers.  When he was well, he loved to visit bookshops, arts and crafts shops, pharmacies, Chinatown and catch movies at the Bugis Junction Cinema. I was used to seeing my parents only at around 7 pm when they brought home dinner.  Both of them would watch television till 11 pm and then listen to the radio till midnight.  On the following day, they repeated the same routine.  My parents did not mind the same routine. I did not mind as their habit left me alone to do my office work or pursue my leisure.

In the initial stage of preparation, I consulted my mother.  Both of us were under a lot of pressure.  I did not know that she could not bear the stress until there was a time when she cried and said aloud that she could not manage.  At that time, both of us had to learn how to perform peritoneal dialysis (PD) for my father at the PD Centre, Singapore General Hospital.  My mother claimed that she could not remember.  I insisted that she must, and we spent several week nights revising the PD process.  Mother needed to understand and do the PD as she had to supervise the maid later at home when I was at work. 

After my mother’s cry, I did most of the things on my own. In my opinion, my mother has been dependent on my father for too long a time.  They were childhood friends, grew up and fell in love and got married in October 1963.  Mother and I have diverse different working styles.  I prefer to do things immediately but she likes to wait for action to happen.  She is haphazard with her things and is forgetful (not withstanding her age) but I am detailed and neat. 

Many times in the preparation phase, we had arguments.  I tried my utmost to explain my intention behind the action again and again until my mother agreed to some of the actions to be taken (while all the time, I would be seething inside with impatience).  At times, I would be so tired and just simply wrote on a piece of paper as clearly as I could. Visual representation or a picture was the best way for my mother to understand the flow of how things went.  I did a number of flow charts of the different steps to be taken, complete with consequences.

My mother could not walk for long periods as her legs are arthritic.  She has back pains and could not sit for long periods.  The preparation required a lot of physical work.  Thus, my mother relegated the care of my father to me.  She took upon this attitude – I am not the boss.  I do not decide.  I did not do anything wrong.

Sigh. 

But I was free to decide on what’s the best action using my brains and gut feelings.

 

Preparation work

The following are some areas of work:

·       Clear two rooms – one for my father and one for the maids.  That meant clearing cupboards and shelves, putting the things into bags.  And throwing a lot of junk to make space. Mopping the floor again and again, and cleaning the windows and shelves.  Moving tables and sofa set.  I have learnt my lesson – keep everything neat and tidy – don’t hoard and don’t buy things unnecessarily without checking stock at home.

 

·       Buy beds and toilet accessories for my maids.  I got my maids to help me clear the living room, the kitchen and the store room.  In short, what we could do to make as much space as possible for father’s things.  At the same time, to help me clear rubbish of what we had accumulated.  This was also to occupy my maid before my father returns from hospital.

 

·       Make ramps for the main door and the bathroom.

 

·       Buy a hospital bed and ripple mattress.

 

·       Buy a commode and a wheelchair.  Buy replacements parts such as the bucket and the seat cushion. 

 

·       Buy a steel trolley and medical equipment such as an ivy stand, stethoscope, ear-scan thermometer, blood pressure monitor, suction machine, weighing scale and sugar level monitor. 

 

·       Buy medical supplies include syringes, litmus papers, needles for checking sugar level, syringe needles for injection of insulin, disposable alcohol swaps, potassium permanganate crystals, Dettol disinfectants, Mikoyan anti-fungal cream, TCP, Thyme mouthwash, tooth sponges, Secura moisturiser, Sanyrene for backside, cotton wool, cotton buds, adult diapers, tissue paper, suction catheters, powder for prickly heat, teatree gel, mosquito repellent

 

 

·       Buy Novasource Renal milk and Myotein milk powder

 

·       Buy health supplements such as Manuka Honey (UMF at least 15+ and above), Lactofort, Chicken essence with ginseng / cordiceps

 

·       Order from the Baxter Company who will deliver 20 cartons of PD solutions a month. I am thankful that they are generous with the supplies of iodine swaps, minicaps, gauze, surgical tapes and alcohol wipes, alcohol hand wash and soap hand wash.

 

·       Change of father’s NGT tube; arrange appointment with the homecare nurse.

 

·       Shop for groceries- food for the meals, detergents for keeping the house clean

 

·       During the preparation period, my refrigerator broke down, my stove too and my sinks leaked.  I decided that I would be more proactive.  I asked a plumber, an electrician and a gasman to do the necessary. 

My friend said that I was very “jialat”.  In the Hokkien dialect, it meant that I had a hard time. 

I lost 9 kg in 6 months.  For once in my life, I was slimmer. J



I love Monet

At a Christian Conference for Women, I first heard that the Lotus plant or the Nelumbo nucifera stands tall above the waters.  Its rhizome is in  the soil, rooted below.  However the leaves and the flowers of the Lotus rise above the waters in order to survive.  The title of the Conference was "Rise Above the Ordinary".

 

That was my inspiration from my teenage years. 

The Theory of the Dipper and the Bucket

Extracted from “How full is your bucket?” by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton (2004) Gallup Press, New York.

 Page 59

We are all certain to face major challenges as we progress through our lives.  Often we feel that if we were dealt a bad hand, and that life is unfair.  But we don’t have to allow ourselves to be defined by our hardships.  Our responses to difficult events and our emotional state are much more important.  Continual reinforcement about our strengths can buffer us against getting overwhelmed with the negative.  And understanding what we do best allows us not only to survive, but grow and thrive in the face of diversity.

 

Page 5 - The Theory of the Dipper and the Bucket

Each of us has an invisible bucket.  It is constantly emptied or filled, depending on what others say or do to us.  When our bucket is filled, we feel great.  When it is empty, we feel awful.

Each of us has an invisible dipper.  When we use that dipper to fill other people’s buckets – by saying or doing things to increase their positive emotions – we also fill our own bucket.  But when we use that dipper to dip from other’s buckets – by saying or doing things that decrease their positive emotions – we diminish ourselves.

Like the cup that runneth over, a full bucket gives us a positive outlook and renewed energy.  Every drop in that bucket makes us stronger and more optimistic.

But an empty bucket poisons our outlook, saps our energy and undermines our wills.  That’s why every time, someone dips from our bucket, it hurts us.

So we face a choice every moment of every day.

We can fill one other’s buckets or we can dip from them.  It’s an important choice – one that profoundly influences our relationships, productivity, health and happiness.

Three Strands

I am 49 years old.   I am a collector.

My hobby probably stems from my compulsive habit to organise things.  Internally, I was driven by a need to build up a reference.  Probably I see the collection as an extension of my need to find evidence to support my decisions in life.    

What do I collect?    

I collect newspaper cuttings. The newsprints are taken mainly from local newsprint and magazines. I think thoughts expressed on paper are precious.  When the thoughts resonate with mine, the writing becomes more valuable.  Writing takes effort.  The authors of the articles have taken time and energy to express their thoughts.  It is worth and a privilege to read and enjoy them.

I want to keep the thoughts with me, for as long as I can. 

Does a collection reflect the thinking and character of the collector?  I hope so.

Recently I tidied my collection from 2010 to February 2013. Usually, I “throw” the newspaper cuttings into a paper bag and then go through them in June and in December.  The reviews of thoughts are my favourite holiday past times.  This time, I did my review in March.  (Reasons why I am taking a holiday in March will be in my other posts.)      

I sorted my collection.  Interestingly, the newspaper cuttings were roughly grouped into the following groups:

·         The meaning of work and self-worth

·         The causes of health issues in particular depression versus positive thinking

·         The process of dying and dealing with grief

These three strands have occupied my thoughts for almost 2.5 years.  And it’s because I am facing a crisis in my life.

More stories of that crisis and my decisions in other posts.  Keep on reading. J