Never Say Die

More aware

Two years ago, I had burnout followed by depression.  My depression still occurs with occasional outbursts of negative feelings.

However, I am more aware of when the depression will start and how my body would respond.  My mind would seem to go numb and I don’t exactly remember things.  I am not joking.  When I am depressed, I would not be able to remember even a moment or half an hour ago.  I could not recall where I was and what I was doing then.  I would be “cloudy” in my mind. 

Of course, when I am asked to do tasks that require concentration and facts, I really don’t remember how to do them.  I made silly mistakes that a person as senior as I am in the office, should not do.  When I am depressed, my sense of judgment is impaired. 

In addition, the nasty feeling of being incompetent adds to the vicious cycle.

There may be some hope to rescue my situation.  In the book “ Thinking, Fast and Slow” by Daniel Kahneman (2011), page 28 – “The best we can do is a compromise (between System 1 and System 2 ) : learn to recognize situations in high mistakes are likely and try harder to avoid significant mistakes when the stakes are high. “

 

Situations to avoid

There are some situations which I avoid.  The first is to avoid a situation when I do not have enough time to do the task.  Last minute things add up my internal pressure and then I would usually get cloudy.  I try to prepare for things as early as I could.  A tool to organise my tasks and the priorities is to make a list of things.  I enjoy doing lists.  A laundry list where I can strike off the tasks when I have done them makes me happy and hopeful.  The laundry list boosts my confidence as I believe that I have accomplished my tasks.

The second situation to avoid is to do tasks that are beyond me.  I tried to negotiate the difficulty of the tasks that I should do in the office.  I am aware that my faculties are not as sharp as they use to be.  Tasks that will emphasize my weakness in concentration are a “no” on my list.  This requires me to be humble and admit to my bosses that I could not do such tasks well.  If the bosses wish to give me the tasks, I would need to be supervised. However, such requests implied a lower ranking in work appraisal at year-end.  At my workplace, the annual appraisal of an officer is divided into two areas of assessment – the competence of an individual and the capacity of the individual.  A more senior officer is expected to be more competent and to have higher capacity.  Such expectation seems logical in ordinary circumstances.  However, such a system of appraisal works against me.  I was destined to be a poor performer and indeed since 2010, I was ranked lowest in my grade.

The third situation to avoid is to avoid prolonged stress periods resulting in fewer amounts of sleep and rest.  This was the “biggie” because I could not have enough rest due to the care of my ill-stricken father in late 2010 (the same year that I had burnout and start of depression).  It is a bad, very bad situation in my life.

 

Refocus

How do I stop my spirits from flagging? Through a lot of perseverance, I slowly worked out a way for myself.

The way out is to RE-FOCUS.  I had to decide what was more important to me.  Looking after my father was more important. My work performance took a second place.  The penalties of poor work performance – I had to accept them as humbly as I could.

A very close friend encourages me by sharing his thinking when things went bad in his life.  He says, “Never say die until the Lord tells me so.”  My father has a debilitating stroke and lies moribund in bed.  He doesn’t give up.  My father has shown me that he is a fighter.  Why should I give up now?